dissapointments and discoveries

last week was the first week during this program where i didn't loose weight, i'm talking nada, not even an ounce. i weigh the exact same as i did the previous week. this was a shock to the system, i was pretty disappointed, i had built it up in my head that this, the week of my birthday, would be the week that i got there. the week i met my goal and that i would finally after all these years be under 200lbs. nope not this week. i was devastated, i had put in the work - extra work even and nope still didn't make it.

this is what i discovered though, i came home, i cried - i mean sobbing crying. then there was this little voice on the inside of my head that kept telling me that i could do this, i am doing this and this is the time to re-focus and push harder. previously if something this devastating would have happened i would have given up, i would have wanted to quit, i would have eaten whatever i wanted to and maybe i would have even convinced myself that this is all the weight my body wants to loose. but not this time. i decided that the weight non-loss was not going to get me down. i ate just like it was any other normal day * i did not feed the feelings!! i got my steps in for the day and sure i was a little sad but i learned that i am stronger then i have ever been and realized that someday in the not so distant future i am going to get to where i want to be. for now i will take being able to do 15 push ups as an accomplishment for the week - even if they are girly style on my knees.

ask jack

snippet from our walk to the bus stop this morning:

jack: hey mom, you should go to college
me: oh yeah, what do you think i should do
jack: well, what are your interests
me: i really liked my last job, you know when i worked on phone systems with carlyn
jack: get a degree in that then
me: well it's not that easy buddy, there isn't really a degree for that
jack: what does dad do again
me: he writes software for computers
jack: oh, maybe science
me: i didn't really like science in school
jack: not animal science, some other kind of science then. i don't know mom, but you should go to college.

after telling this to randy i found out this conversation of theirs from saturday afternoon

jack: dad, it seems like your work has been hard lately for you
randy: yeah buddy, it's been hard
jack: do you feel like you are getting enough sleep
randy: no, i've been working really long hours
jack: well, what time have you been going to bed
randy explained the hours he had been keeping and jack's mouth hung agape for a minute
jack: dad, you are older then me so you should stay up later, but you should try to go to bed at 9, i think that would work better for you

sometimes i wonder if life would be easier for us if we would just consult jack on all decisions, he's generally the most level headed of the three of us.

reset

i had my weekly meeting with my dietitian this morning. there is something refreshing knowing that i am going to meet with her every tuesday at 8:30 and see my progress for the week. this week was another 3lb loss (yay me!!) a few more weekly sessions and i should be very close to my mid-way goal. i look back on these last few months and i can't believe:

1. that i am actually doing this and
2. that it is actually working

since starting i have stuck with what my trainer and dietitian have asked me to do and you know what, the weight is coming off. i always thought i was one of those people that was going to be overweight the rest of her life. but i now see that this is not going to be something that drags me down the rest of my life.

today my dietitian extended an offer from the dr who directs the program; he wants to extend my program by an additional 2 weeks because, well basically because they like me best. :) ha, no it is because i have followed the program and have had success. however to get the 2 weeks i have to follow the meal plan from week 2 - which is basically lean protein, veggies and their protein shakes. no biggie right? i am so willing to try, it will be a fun experiment don't you think? so goodbye fruit, goodbye greek yogurt, goodbye grilled artichoke dip and goodbye hummus. see you in a week from now.

i'm cool again

i no longer have a cuddly little boy, i am suddenly very unsure of what to do with my own son on most days. i will be the first to admit it, we are too much alike. i feel the inevitable is starting and he is starting to forge his Independence from us and while i know this has to happen, i miss my little guy. the little guy who was so excited about new things, the little guy who thought i was the coolest. this week, i managed to get back into the cool place, even if it is for just a few weeks.

wednesday is jack's early release day from school and it actually was kind of warm and NOT RAINING. i decided that i would walk him home from school and throw his new basketball in the car and we would go shoot some hoops together. after the initial resistance period that now sets in, he realized that this could end up being fun and certainly better then cleaning his room. we played for about half an hour, i got a few shots in and re-cemented my former cool status. i discovered something while we were playing together - this is how i have to communicate with my son now. i can't cuddle with him on the couch, i can't try to coddle him... i have to let him be 7 going on 10 and i have to remember how to be a kid again and let go of some of the mom hangups.

this weekend i tested the theory out again. both days were gorgeous, no rain, almost 50 and mother and son - got along well for the first time in months.

goodbye 2009 hello 2010

a little year in review:



i think we all accomplished a lot this year. my sister surprised me with a visit in feb for our birthdays (best surprise ever) jack grew leaps and bounds, in looking back at some of his pictures from last winter, i can't believe he is the same kid. i don't think i could have got a better kid, seriously. i took some time for me, learned a lot, remembered how strong i am and did something i had been wanting to do for years. so i am starting 2010 61 lbs lighter and 31 inches slimmer which just so happens to be what jack weighs right now. i am excited for the coming year, i can't wait to see what will happen and i hope all of your lives will be filled with blessings and joy.

first week

i made it through week one and survived my trainer and the new eating regime. now i am even starting to feel pretty confident in my workouts, still just taking each day as it comes and dealing with whatever i need to deal with. long story short, pretty proud of my first week, i lost 5.6lbs. ever imagined what that 5.6 lbs might look like?

crash

today i hit sugar rock bottom. after 2 days on the protein shake meal replacement plan i have to do for a week i hit the wall and experienced the same emotional roller coaster that b spears must have rode when she shaved her head. for a second i considered it. thankfully my awesome husband walked in the door at that moment and whisked me out of the house to, "get me away from anything sharp or with shearing abilities." on the plus side of things found a super cute new dress at macys and it was like 3 sizes smaller then what i had to try on earlier in the spring. there is a concerning stain on the front, but i am pretty certain i can get that out.

this weekend, a quick trip to vancouver to help find a homecoming dress for a dear friends' daughter.